Blackadder - File and Fidelity
by K
Summary: Blackadder moves into the 1980's Whitehall government


Blackadder the Fifth

# Blackadder the Fifth

### "File and Fidelity"

* * *

Disclaimer time:  
Any resemblence to the characters in "Blackadder" is entirely uncoincidental, although rather suprising. The UK Government is not a sinister, corrupt organisation, in league with aliens, performing experiments on their populace and wasting tax-payer's money. Probably. No part of this story was coherent. The rights to transmit, copy, reproduce, edit, improve, or publish are none existant, but bear in mind that the author will be a bit miffed if anyone uses the funnier lines to try and pull a girl he was interested in. Any spelling mistakes are due to an error with the program used to transmit it.  
KEITH LEWIS  
[©No Gravity Productions][1] 11th OCTOBER 1998

* * *

BLACKADDER THE FIFTH - File and Fiedelity

Starring (Hypothetically) :

Sir Edmund Blackadder, - Rowan Atkinson  
(Permanent Secretary for the Foreign Office)

Sir Hogmany Mellcett, - Steven Fry,  
(Prime Minister)

Timothy Darling, - Tim McInnery  
(Secretary to the Prime Minister [not a civil servant])

Rt. Hon. George Prince - Hugh Laurie  
(Foreign Office Minister)

S. Baldrick, - Tony Robinson  
(Under, under, under, under, under, under Secretary)

Foreign Office, Whitehall, 1984:  
The government has just been re-elected. The new appointment to the Foreign Office is awaited by his Civil Service officials in the entry hall of Whitehall.

SCENE I

Blackadder, with Baldrick behind him, heads a long line of officials. Blackadder is wearing a suit very like the one's Rowan Atkinson wore in "Not the Nine O' Clock News". Baldrick is wearing a suit with so many holes patches and dirt marks it looks like rags.

BALDRICK(BK):Sir B., why are we waiting for this 'Right on dude'?

BLACKADDER(BA): What are you blithering about, Baldrick?

BK:That's what you called him.

BA: I called him a 'Right Honourable dick', you piece of human waste, and we are waiting for him because he is our new Minister.

BK:Oh. Perhaps we lost the last one in the files.

BA:What?

BK:Well, if we've got a new minister, we must of lost the old one and you always say that everything we want to lose goes in the files...

(Blackadder thumps Baldrick round the head)

BA:Baldrick, for the ten thousandth time, there has been a (spacing the syllables out slowly) gen-er-al e-lec-tion. We have got a new minister because the last one got caught stealing money from the department's budget.

BK:But he didn't do that, you did.

BA:I know that, which is why I don't want the new one to find out about it. Now, remember, I definitely did not con that last fool of a Minister and we are only here to help. Got it?

BK:Yep.

(A policeman enters the entry hall)

POLICEMAN:(To Blackadder) Sir, he's arrived.

BA:Right. Baldrick, try not to smell.

(The Rt. Hon George Prince enters)

BA:Minister, may I say what a delight it is to meet you.

GEORGE(Ge):You may. (He waits) Well, go on.

BA:(Already turning to lead the way down the hall) Sorry, Minister?

Ge:I thought you wanted to tell me what a delight it is to meet me?

BA:I just did.

Ge:Really? Gosh, you did it without me even noticing. You Civil Service chappies are efficient, aren't you?

BA:(Recovering) Indeed, Minister. If you'll follow me to your office.

FADE TO BLACK

SCENE II

The office of the Foreign Office Minister. (the set is arranged sideways on) Blackadder opens the double doors at the left-hand side of the office. George walks past him and seats himself at the desk. Blackadder walks to the other side of the desk, with Baldrick behind him.

Ge:Now, look, Sir Blackadder, my first job at this Ministry will be to conduct a bally through inquiry into my predecessor's activities. I will of course show no favours and anyone who took part in his caddish activities will be severely punished.

BA:Is that 'severely punished' as in told very loudly that they've been very naughty and that they're not to do it again?

Ge: Oh probably, that sounds a dashed serious ticking off to me! But I'm sure none of your Civil Servants had anything to do with it. I know, let's ask this one!

(He points at Baldrick)

BA:Minister, Baldrick isn't a civil servant. He's not at all civil and he's not a very good servant.

Ge:Ah, well, what do you know about the inquiry, my... fine.. thing.

BK:Sir B. definitely did not con that last fool of a Minister and we are only here to help.

(Blackadder elbows Baldrick in the nose)

BA:Please ignore him, Minister. He dosn't speak English.

Ge:Why's that?

BA:Well... this is the Foreign Office.

Ge:(He has an expression of disgust on his face) Oh, good. Can't you do something about it's smell, Blackadder?

BA:Of course, Minister. If you'll excuse me, I'll go and deal with it now.

Ge:Certainly.

Blackadder and Baldrick leave, as George begins to spin round on his chair.

FADE TO BLACK 

SCENE III

Blackadder's office. It is smaller than the Minister's and has a small alcove halfway along for Baldrick. The set is from one corner, so we can see everything but Baldrick's alcove, although it seems to have a desk in it.

Blackadder walks in and sits at his desk, propping his feet up.

BK:Why are you so happy, Sir B.

BA:Because, vegetable descendent, not only is our new 'Lord and Master' clearly on an intellectual low with you, but I also get to set up the inquiry to investigate his predecessor.

BK:But won't an inquiry show that you did all those naughty things?

BA:Well, done Baldrick! You seemed to have actually worked something out by yourself. True, it's so obvious you could put it in a crowd of very obvious things and it would still be the one you noticed first; but it was still a nearly coherent thought.

(As Blackadder says this, Baldrick begins to look happy)

BA:You are of course, completely wrong. (Baldrick's face falls) Now, get on with cleaning the floor while I explain.

(Baldrick walks into his alcove and the camera cuts to show it. He opens a desk drawer and takes out a mop and bucket, then walks back out. The camera cuts back.) 

BA:The inquiry, you waste of space, will find whatever I want it to find out. I could set one up to prove that you were human, if I did become so mentally unstable. I can get an even bigger budget to set it up, make up the report myself and keep the cash!

BK:Won't anyone notice that there hasn't really been an (with effort) inquirry?

BA:It's 'inquiry', you diseased fool. Of course they won't notice. All MPs, when they get elected, just want to empty the drinks cabinet before lunch, get their name in the papers and be left alone. In some of the offices, there are still Labour MP's who don't know that they're not in power any more.  
No, (he stands) he's going to be even easier to manipulate than the last one. A democracy is a wonderful thing, especially when it's corrupt.

FADE TO BLACK

SCENE IV

The Ministers office. The drinks cabinet, located halfway down the wall opposite the camera, is open and all the bottles have been taken out. They are all on George's desk and mostly empty.

Blackadder walks in.

Ge:(Finishing his drink) Ah, Blackadder. I'm just off to lunch.

BA:Certainly, sir. It a pleasure to see a Minister who works so hard. After all, you've been here for... (looks at watch) twenty minutes?

Ge:Well, got to start how you mean to go on, eh Blackadder?

(George get up and starts to leave)

Ge:Oh, one other thing. I just got a call from the Prime Minister's office. He'd like a word with you as soon as possible. It's about the inquiry.

BA:(Quietly) Oh, god.

Ge:Pardon?

BA:(Aloud) Oh, good.

(George leaves)

SCENE V

The Prime Minister's Private Office, where Darling works. which leads into his office. Darling is working at his desk when Blackadder enters.

BA:Oh, so your still here, Darling.

DARLING(DL):What's that supposed to mean?

BA:Well, we all know he brought you in from the outside because you're a crawling sycophant. I just thought, now that Sir Melchett is Prime Minister, his Cabinet would have done it for you.

DL:Watch it, Blackadder.

BA:Or what, Darling? You'll send me a rude memo?

(Darling fumes then the intercom buzzes)

MELLCHETT(MH):(Voice) Is Blackadder there?

DL:Yes, Prime Minister.

MH:Then send him in, man, send him in!

(Blackadder walks in to Mellchett's office)

SCENE VI

The Prime Minister's office is bigger than George's but not by much. Melchett is standing behind the desk shouting into the telephone.

MH:(Shouting) I don't care if the man's crying to his mummy, he's a flaming whoopsie and should be shot! (He slams down the phone)

DL:Problem with an MP, Prime Minister?

MH:No, the Archbishop of Canterbury.  
Well, Blackadder, what do you think of your new minister?

BA:I think he's the perfect MP, Prime Minister.

MH:Splendid! Knew his father at Cambridge, you know. I'm relying on you to look after him.

BA:Of course, Prime Minister.

MH:Now, about this inquiry.

BA:(Worried) The inquiry?

MH:The inquiry into the missing money from your department's budget, man. Have you gone stupid?  
We need to make it clear to the public that we're not corrupt, so I'm appointing the Chairman myself. It'll be Judge Thomas Harkins.

BA:(Strangled) Judge Harkins?

DL:(Enjoying this) What's the matter, Sir Blackadder?

MH:Yes, come on man!

BA:Judge Thomas String-'em-up-and-don't-cut-'em-down-even-if-they're-innocent Harkins?

MH:Yes, he's a stout fellow, can't abide these scroungers who steal off other people. He'll know how to deal with any bounder who's been stealing, send him to the War Graves Commision then send him to jail! BAAAAAA!

BA:(Pale and worried) An excellent choice, Prime Minister.

MH:Glad you approve. Nice to see there's at least one civil servants not playing silly buggers, eh Darling?

DL:(Evilly grinning at Blackadder) Oh, yes Prime Minister.

FADE TO BLACK

SCENE VI

Blackadder's office. Baldrick is wiping pens with his sleeve as Blackadder walks in.

BA:Crisis, Baldrick, crisis!

BK:Something wrong, Sir B.?

(Blackadder stops next to Baldrick)

BA:Is that pen clean, Baldrick?

BK:Just wiped it myself, sir.

BA:Are you sure, Baldrick? Perhaps you should take a closer look.

(Blackadder takes the pen and stabs it into Baldrick's eye)

BA:See, it's covered in turnip juice.

(While Blackadder talks, Baldrick recovers)

BA:Of course there's something wrong. The Prime Minister has appointed Judge Harkins to chair the inquiry. When he finds out that I've got all the cash, I'll have less chance of getting out in one piece as a Conservative at a trades union conference. I need a plan.

BK:Sir B., I have a cunning plan.

BA:Oh, god. Is this likely to be as cunning as your plan to find communist spies by asking them to drink a bottle of vodka and make those dolls that only you find amazing?

BK:You see, this Judge doesn't know you, right, and he doesn't know the Minister, right?

BA:No.

BK:So, you wait until he's says you took the money, then you say that your not you, the minister is!

BA:I see. You're saying I should wait until he finds me guilty, then just tell him 'Oh, by the way, I'm not Sir Edmund Blackadder, the Minister is'?

BK:Yep.

BA:Baldrick, you are about as intelligent as that filing cabinet.

(He points, and Baldrick turns to look at the cabinet. Blackadder kicks him into it.)

BA:I need a plan that so cunning it could sneak up on a fox about to rob a chicken coop and steal his trousers without him noticing.

(He thinks as Baldrick gets up again)

BK:Why don't you just bribe him?

BA:If I tried to bribe him, you medical experiment. he'd have me arrested before you could think about a turnip. He's completely incorruptible. No, I need to make sure he can never find out I'm guilty.

FADE TO BLACK

SCENE VII

The Ministers office the next day. Blackadder is already there as George comes in.

Ge:Morning, Blackadder.

BA:(Clearly tired but trying) Good morning, Minister.

Ge:Oh, you know this inquiry thing?

BA:(Pained) It had nearly slipped my mind, but yes.

Ge:Well, the PM wants to give complete access of all the files to this Judge. He asked me to do it today, personally, so see to it, will you.

BA:Of course, Minister. Will you be staying long today?

Ge:Sorry, Blackadder. Got an important luncheon at the Savoy. I be gone soon.

(Blackadder leaves as George makes paper planes and begins to throw them out the window)

SCENE VIII

Blackadder's office. Blackadder walks in and drops into his chair.

BA:Baldrick!

(Baldrick come out from his alcove)

BA:I have thought up a plan so brilliant you could put it in the Albert Hall and still be able to see the fat woman in the viking costume's chest wobble.  
I want you to get every single files over six months old and sent them to Judge Harkins.

BK:But there's thousands of them!

BA:Exactly! I'll make sure that the Judge can't finish his inquiry before you develop a brain. He's so squeaky clean he'll go through every document.

FADE TO BLACK

SCENE IX

Prime Minister's office. Darling and Blackadder are standing before Melchett's desk.

MH:This memo from Judge Harkins says that he won't finish his inquiry before 2010!

BA:(Faking surprise) Does it really? Does he say why?

MH:No. Dashed annoying.

DL:(Suspicious) That memo is copied from your office, Blackadder. Are you sure it's complete?

BA:Oh Darling, I haven't seen the memo myself, but I'm sure it's in the files.

THE END 

   [1]: mailto:commisions@kfiles.freeserve.co.uk



End file.
